The Faithfulness of God

The Faithfulness of God

I am coming up to the fourth-month post-injury. I have still a lot of recovery ahead and still a great deal of uncertainty. But this is what I am learning – while I do not like my circumstances and I struggle every single day, I can honestly say that the Lord has continued to show His faithfulness. I write this still longing for my body and mind to be whole and with a lot of questions that I still struggle with. I write this while I still struggle with fear and heartbreak at my situation. I write this in my valley. What I have seen is that day in and day out, the Lord has met me, though not always the way that I want Him to. My prayer was that I would have been recovered by now but clearly the Lord has a different idea in mind for me. I battle to surrender to His will every day. Part of me doesn’t even want to write this because I am upset that He hasn’t yet answered my prayer, but He has shown Himself faithful to meet my needs. At the end of the day, I see that while He hasn’t granted me full healing yet, He has begun to heal my heart. 

I have read my share of books on trials recently, many of the trials people face are not life-changing in the books that I have read. If I am being honest, It is hard for me to agree with someone who tells me how I should receive a trial when their greatest trial is short term temporary affliction. When I see though, how believers with chronic illness and pain receive trials with worship and praise, I am more inclined to listen. It is easy to worship when things that are temporary are touched by trial but it is far different to worship when there is no immediate end to what we face. Even now as I write, I speak as someone who literally struggles to do so. Sometimes all I can get out is a statement of praise or a song of worship…I still haven’t gotten to the place I have seen some saints get to…people of whom “the world is not worthy”. They worship knowing their affliction is permanent, they worship in spite of the pain, suffering, and anguish. I look at them and still find them peculiar. They have learned what I am just beginning to…that the Lord is faithful even though He doesn’t answer the desired prayer- deliverance.

I have learned that the Lord is faithful to give me time to love my kids each day. The Lord is faithful to allow me to love my husband. The Lord is faithful to provide friends who listen without judgment. The Lord is faithful to provide a church and homeschool family that has come alongside me. The Lord is faithful to give me some moments of respite. The Lord is faithful to bring doctors who have helped people like me. The Lord is faithful to love on me through others when I am sad and scared. The Lord is faithful to have me forget the pain that has passed. The Lord is faithful to give me kids that are loving me through this and stepping up to help where I can’t. The Lord is faithful to give me a husband who is loving me so tenderly and reminding me that God is good and I can trust Him. The Lord is faithful with every hour of sleep that He blesses me with. The Lord is faithful every day that passes in my affliction. The Lord is faithful.

The truth is, I don’t want to write about the Lord’s faithfulness. I am still angry at Him. I can’t go anywhere from His sovereignty and this affliction literally holds me captive. I know I will wake up tomorrow and my pain and suffering will start again. I know that I will have to fight wrong thinking, fear, and pain. I know that I will have moments that I feel I can’t do it and the length and uncertainty of my affliction are too much for me. I know that I will doubt everything that I have ever encouraged others to believe. But I must write that the Lord is faithful because it would be a sin not to. Holding back the truth of His faithfulness merely because He hasn’t given me what I desire dishonors all that He has done for me…it dishonors the cross and the grace I stand in…even though right now, I can’t feel that it is true. Even though this affliction makes me unsteady and confused, God is not.

As believers we have to remember that the Lord is sometimes faithful in ways other then we desire- this, more than anything, is a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes He gives us answers to prayers to help us endure, not merely remove our affliction…this is the hard road of faith. He calls us to walk in thick darkness, confusion, brokenness, and pain. But He answers prayers as we do. 

I long for wholeness and believe Him for it. My friend Myndi wrote a great book called “Don’t Waste Your Pain.” I don’t want to look back and know that I have wasted mine. So while I can’t yet worship the way I once did or feel deeply, I praise the Lord in spite of it. I praise even though he hasn’t answered my prayers or healing but because He is worthy of my praise. Tomorrow I will wake up to battle again. Pray for me as I struggle to hold fast to truth and believe beyond my limits.

He is worthy of my battle and of yours. Amen and Amen.