The last few days have been really hard for me. The central nervous system (CNS) will do whatever it needs to heal. For me, my CNS has decided that ramping up all my symptoms is what’s necessary. It is hard for me to manage where I’m at. The symptoms I have dealt with today (they change daily) are dizziness, confusion, emotional outbursts, cortisol spikes, anxiety, sadness, and fatigue. It has been a hard day. All my days are hard. I desire to serve the Lord as I once did and my heart is torn within me that I cannot. I long to read the Word and find my Jesus in its pages but I am unable to do so at this point. I desire to love Him and trust Him and feel His peace and presence but on days like today, I am filled with confusion and injury-induced fear. I feel like I am in spiritual hell. I just want to go home where I know I will be eternally safe. I just miss my Jesus.
Today I am very sad. I wish I had something mighty to say but I don’t feel very mighty today. It’s okay to have bad days when you are suffering. Hebrews 12:11a says, “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful.” This is a true statement if ever I have seen one.
I am not the only servant of Jesus who has suffered greatly. I have brothers and sisters throughout Christendom who have dealt with great suffering. I get Jeremiah and his anguish. In the 3rd chapter, we read: “I am the man who has seen affliction because of the rod of His wrath. He has driven me and made me walk in darkness and not in light. Surely against me, He has turned His hand repeatedly all the day. He has caused my flesh and my skin to waste away, He has broken my bones. He has besieged and encompassed me with bitterness and hardship. In dark places, He has made me dwell, like those who have long been dead. He has walled me in so that I cannot go out; He has made my chain heavy. Even when I cry out and call for help, He shuts out my prayer. He has blocked my ways with hewn stone; He has made my paths crooked. He is to me like a bear lying in wait, like a lion in secret places. He has turned aside my ways and torn me to pieces; He has made me desolate. He bent His bow and set me as a target for the arrow. He made the arrows of His quiver to enter into my inward parts. I have become a laughingstock to all my people, their mocking song all the day. He has filled me with bitterness, He has made me drunk with wormwood. He has broken my teeth with gravel; He has made me cower in the dust. My soul has been rejected from peace; I have forgotten happiness. So I say, “My strength has perished, and so has my hope from the Lord.”
But then again, our Lord was acquainted with much suffering. It is His suffering that has guaranteed my freedom and entrance into heaven. I may suffer here but because of Jesus, I won’t suffer in eternity. I am thankful for that truth.
Please continue to pray for me as I walk this long journey to recovery…stumbling forward and trusting Jesus.
Dear Sister..
You don’t have to feel like a hero to be a hero.
You don’t have to feel strong to be strong.
You are both. Especially in being vulnerable enough to say you don’t feel like either right now.
He that is in you is, in fact, greater than the world.
Praying for you, Darling Girl. Your suffering is not wasted. So much love!
You have always lived out your passion for the Lord; then in joy now is sorrow. Even now in your suffering His power is evident in the words you speak. You don’t see yourself the way we see you, that your faith has always been real and is still so genuine and palpable even in your suffering. I am grateful for you and I am so sorry that you are going through this trial. Please know that even when you are so low you serve the Lord because you inspire me to walk closer to Him and search His word. My heart cries out to you every day.
💕